Dancing Through Doubt

Today I will take an in-person ballet class for the first time since the summer of 2019. This brings me immense joy, but also brings out my self-doubt.

During the pandemic, I was lucky to find some wonderful free virtual classes and affordable workshops that got me back into regular ballet practice. I was even able to indulge in a couple private virtual lessons. In fact, during my final year abroad, each weekday morning, I enjoyed rewatching and doing one of Adam Boreland’s many fabulous 30-minute ballet barre classes (Note: These classes are no longer available for viewing.). I even continued that routine for a few months after my return and alternated between ballet and long morning walks in addition to my weekly synchronous virtual bellydance class.

Smiling after a virtual private class with Adam Boreland and Anamarie McGinn Harris in Fall 2020.

However, changes in my schedule, trouble readjusting to life in the United States, and mounting disappointment over my life not going quite as planned (midlife crisis anyone?) led to a break in my home routine. At the same time, in-person ballet classes were no longer an option within my budget.

So here I am now, lucky enough to have saved up a little money to treat myself to summer ballet classes. I should be sauté-ing for joy all over the house. Instead, I am having a staring contest with my self-doubt. I mean, I am bigger, stiffer, and older than I have ever been, and although I am grateful for the latter, the first two have my inner mean voice whispering that I don’t belong in a class with kids and teens (no adult class currently offered). And the fact that none of the leotards or tights I had at home fit almost made me believe it. Still, one of the perks of getting older is the life experience and perspective we gain. This allowed me to recognize my doubt for what it is: a mask for simple fear. And I’ve faced enough fears in the past to know that pushing through is often the answer.

So early this morning, I unpacked the larger leotard and skirted leggings I ordered weeks ago and tried them on. I picked out a special bag from my closet to be my official ballet class bag and packed my favorite cocoa-colored canvas ballet slippers. I reread the lovely email welcoming us back to my home studio. I honored my feeling, but I resolved not to let doubt stop me. And as if on cue, the tag on the teabag for my morning tea read: Celebrate your successes and failures; both required great courage. 

Tea wisdom

This is the thought I will take with me this evening as I step up to the barre.